We Uranians have heard the president of the United States refer to “Shithole Countries” * and have pondered his criteria for such designation. Would he think our beautiful planet deserved to be called a shithole? While Uranians believe it is unlikely, we would like to argue against this shitty identification just in case.
To begin with, the places he called shitholes (specifically, the nation of Haiti and many in the continent of Africa) are known for their heat, while the country he specified as wanting immigrants from (Norway) is famously cold. Obviously, shit being hot, it would be associated with hot places. Uranus is a planet of ice and is therefore not hot enough to be shitty!
There are many who claim that the key difference between immigrants from the so-called shithole countries and the more desirable Norwegians is a difference in their skin tones. Uranians have heard this referenced as “racism,” but Trump has said that he is the “least racist person that you’ve ever met,” so this can’t possibly be his reasoning. However, if it is, Uranians are generally shades of gray, which is practically white, so they cannot be from a shithole.
The president clarified that he wanted to encourage the immigration of “those who can contribute to our society.” Uranians would be great at this! Our planet is known for its diamond rains, so we could bring vast wealth to the table. If that’s not enough, we can benefit Trump personally. We have watched the leaders of Earth nations bring gifts to him in exchange for positive relationships. Here, that is considered bribery, but apparently, things are different on Earth, so we are prepared to offer any number of gold-plated trophies to gain favor with the American president.
With all of this in mind, how could Donald Trump possibly think Uranus is a shithole, or full of shit, or anything similar? That would only be possible if he had shit for brains (if we have the idiom correct). Once again, we invite the President, and all of his fellow Earthlings to Look Up Uranus and see for themselves. Not only would we be great immigrants, we also welcome immigration to Uranus, which is definitely not a shithole.
Pat Zatucchus,
Earth Liason
and Anti-Fartist
*Trump: Why allow immigrants from ‘shithole countries’? | AP News
