It is not a secret that American Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is a Christian Nationalist and a Fascist sympathizer, but is he also a Fartist? Uranians have been watching in mounting horror as the former television host appears to be destroying boats in international waters like a tamper-throwing toddler with his toys in the bathtub. He and his supporters claim that this is to protect Americans from drugs, but since the boats he’s blown up never had the capability to make it to the United States with their payload (which there’s no hard evidence of being drugs), this seems implausible.
We believe that, like Uranian Fartists, Hegseth is doing what he can to increase the temperature of his planet’s oceans. In the absence of fart factories, he has turned to blowing up boats on the water and incinerating the passengers in order to increase the heat of the surrounding water. Why else would he feel the need to commit the extrajudicial murders of more than 80 random people? Normally, drug trafficking on the water has been dealt with by the Coast Guard, who seize boats (without destroying evidence or killing people on board). Traffickers can be sentenced to fines and/or prison time, but not the death penalty, so why would Hegseth summarily execute people who haven’t been found guilty of a crime at all?
Cynics on Earth might claim that this policy is an attempt to push for war with Venezuela, or for a regime change at the very least, so that the United States can take their oil supplies. This can’t possibly be true, because Americans are famous for their disdain for countries that try to get involved in other countries’ governments, and would never go to war over something so corrupt as stealing a nation’s resources.
It follows, therefore, that Hegseth must have an ulterior motive for the 20+ drone strikes he has ordered. Obviously, the Uranian Fartists have gotten to him, and he has begun his own ocean-heating scheme. The Trump regime has gotten rid of every climate-protection policy that they could in order to assist in this plan, and it appears to be working. The rate of ocean warming on Earth has doubled over the last twenty years, and storms have gotten progressively stronger and more destructive.
Help us reach out to Pete Hegseth and encourage him to Look Up Uranus and see the damage these continued policies might cause. Alternatively, you could just fire him and appoint a non-Fartist in his place. That might be a better plan in the long run!
Pat Zatucchus,
Earth Liason
and Anti-Fartist
